Journaling

I'm pretty lousy at journaling. I'm not sure why but in most personal daily practices I just don't seem to have a ton of motivation or discipline. Exercising, quiet time, structured prayer time, emptying the dishwasher, etc. I'm one of the most structured people I know so I have always wondered about this. I guess structure is not the same as discipline, though. Tommy, on the other hand, is an incredible journaler and he writes good stuff. He's also very disciplined in most areas of his life. In fact, when he was on staff at our church, his title was Discipleship Pastor. I thought that was fun and I've often lovingly and somewhat jealously called him Mr. Discipline. He loves writing down his thoughts whereas I'm generally content to have my thoughts roll around in my head - and believe me there's a constant roll going on in there! Physically, it's uncomfortable for me to write alot in a book and emotionally, well, I think I just don't want to write down what's in my head because then I'd actually have to confront it and do something with it and that might be uncomfortable. And someone may read it someday and my insanity will be confirmed.

So, here, today, maybe just for today, I'll journal my thoughts on this blog. Nothing profound, nothing super spiritual, just my thoughts. I may never do it again but for today, I'll push past the emotional uncomfortable part and the conflicting realization that my daughter is exactly where she's supposed to be but she's not with me and that's joyful and painful all at the same time. Physically, typing is way more comfortable for me as my fingers can keep up with my brain when I type but when I write, it just takes so much time! Okay, maybe I'm lazy too... See? When I start writing, I discover things about myself I'd rather not have to confront! :)

7.21.08
Tori is in Kenya. Tori is in Kenya!!! Her dream has become reality! Seriously, how often does that happen in a lifetime? When we've dreamt of something and wanted something so bad and it actually happens. Just so happens that the desire of her heart lined up with the desire of God's heart and He gave it to her just as the scripture says.

I've had no contact with her since Saturday before she left Chicago and probably won't until Sunday when they arrive back in Chicago. I didn't expect that I would but I'm used to getting several phone calls each day from her so it's just weird. I miss her. This is a taste, though, of what my mother's heart will feel once she graduates and moves on to the next stage of adulthood. It's bittersweet, for sure. She's doing just what we've "trained" her to do but watching her go and grow up tugs at my heart but gives me great joy at the same time. I'm not sure how we did it but she is a great example of "training up a child in the way 'she' should go" scripture. Tommy would know right off the bat what that "address" was in the Bible but me, well, I know it's in Proverbs somewhere...

We sang a couple of songs yesterday in church that made me feel especially connected to her. Your Love Is Deep (God's love is sooo deep and wide and long - even from Lake Jackson to Kenya!) and Amazing Grace, My Chains Are Gone. I even wondered if she knew that we would be in church at that time and God carried her thoughts of us over the expanse of ocean and land that seperates us. I hoped He would do the same with mine.

We went to Ecclesia last night and Robbie Seay sang Song of Hope and Shine Your Light. Two of the songs that I normally sing with everything I've got but last night, I couldn't utter the words in fear that tears would begin to flow. Song of Hope is one of the songs that has been kind of the theme of Tori's 2 year journey to Kenya.

Tommy is out of town with work and I couldn't sleep as is usually the case when he's out of town so late last night, I went over the devotional that the Kenya team was to go through on Monday. I was able to pray for her while she was sleeping. What an odd gift it is to be awake and be able to pray for your kid across the world for her to be getting a good night's rest. Through the devotional, I could imagine what she would be thinking about, working out in her heart and praying for as they prepare to get to work in Segera.

God is so good that He would allow us the opportunity to feel connected to someone we love through His love even when we can't see them, hear them or touch them. This is amazing to me and I'm grateful.


Comments are always welcome - keep critiques to yourself, please! :)