Running on "E"

I drove Tori to school when she was in 7th and 8th grade. It was good to hang out with my daughter and have random conversations. We fought over what we should listen to on the radio. I wanted to listen to NPR in the morning and I love The Engines of Our Ingenuity. She hated it and wanted to listen to the corny DJ’s on KSBJ – the local Christian Radio Station.

I think the thing that probably drove Tori crazy more than anything else is that I would let the fuel in my Explorer go all the way down to empty on the gas gauge before I put more gas in it.

I would say, “Tori I hope we make it to school today. If the truck dies be ready to get out and push it to the side of the road and then we can walk the rest of the way.”

“Dad!” she would scream, “Get some gas before you have to drive me to school. Why do you always let your truck get so close to empty?”

I think her fear had more to do with being seen by her friends on the side of the road with her dad who was not smart enough to add more gas when the gauge read “E”.

I don’t know why I let my truck get to the point of running on fumes before I would go to the gas pump. It was completely unnecessary. I had money to put more gas in. I guess it was inconvenient, but how much more inconvenient would it have been to be sitting on the side of the road with a truck that would not run due to a lack of fuel.

The gas gauge on my truck is not the only place I run on empty. Some mornings I wake up feeling drained, just because I wanted to stay up and watch one more play of Monday Night Football when it was obvious the Patriots were going to beat the Vikings – and who cares which of those teams win anyway.

I push myself and fill my day up with the unnecessary causing myself to have no room for error and being empty on extra time.

I let the spiritual slide, when I know it is the most important thing I can do and my soul is empty of what it needs to be filled with the most.

How long can I run on that red line close to “E”?

Me or the thought of me

I am almost embarrassed to say that I have seen the movie Failure to Launch - twice. Once on a plane to Nepal and once, at my suggestion, Andrea and I rented it and watched it at home. It wasn't a horrible movie but it was not great either; just a diversion.

There is a part of the movie where the main character, Tripp who is a boat salesman, is talking to his "nephew" as they sit next to a boat. The kid says something to the effect of "I love this boat." To which Tripp replies "You don't love this boat. You are just in love with the idea of a boat."

Profound dialog I think. I go through life loving the idea of many things but never really in love with the things themselves. Just like people love the idea of a boat but would never spend the time, work or money required to actually enjoy the thing, I love the idea of stuff but I am never going to spend the time, money or effort to actually experience those same things at the highest levels.

I would love to lift weights and have big muscles and be stronger. But truthfully I don't love to lift weights because it is not convenient.

I would love to save money. But I am only in love with the idea of making good investments for my future because really I love to spend money NOW.

I would love to practice the faith I say I believe. But when it comes down to it I love laziness rather than discipline and actually acting on the things I say I believe doesn't fit my self-centeredness. My faith is sometimes only a good idea rather than a reality.

I was running last week and listening to John Mayer. On his new CD Continuum he has this song called "I Don't Trust Myself" where he asks this girl "Who do you love - me or the thought of me?"

I am in love with the thought of being in love, but sometimes love takes a lot of work. To lay down my life for another person and to look after her interests rather than my own is beyond what I am sometimes willing to do. Will I go beyond the mere idea of being in love and do the hard work love requires?

I hope so. She is worth it.

Too personal to post ...

I have a blog post in my head (actually I have typed it out a couple of times) but it is way too personal to actually publish. I can’t get past it to write anything else so I have posted nothing. I’ll try later.

Love is a disease ...

Love is a disease no one wants to get rid of. Those who catch it never try to get better, and those who suffer do not wish to be cured.

- Anonymous Persian Sage

There is much that could be said about that statement but anything I would try to add would seem shallow and I think it is best to let it sit there and do its work.