Protector or Spy? How far is too far with internet security?

Tommy and I have always been pretty careful to keep up with what our kids read, watch and listen to. I've had my share of "discussions" with teachers and librarians about required reading, believe me. It seems, though, that as the kids get older (18, 16 & 10) we are not able to keep up as easily. We are older too and they can simply move faster than we can. :)

We have always taught our kids the "garbage in, garbage out" concept and that you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. So they can own some responsibility for their actions but as parents, what lengths do we go to when it comes to internet security?

This week, we set out on researching Parental Control software in order to protect our kids from the weirdo's and meanies out there in cyber world but we've come to a realization that alot of the softwares out there are more like spyware. You can watch what sites they visit, monitor their chats, take screenshots of things they view and even monitor their every keystroke even when they're not in the internet. That all sounds good in theory in the name of protection but is it too much?

We trust our kids. Tommy and I trust each other. We have no reason not to. But how far do we go to protect our kids and each other and balance that with respecting privacy? We all need some accountability in this area.

What if we did nothing more than what we do now, which is verbal communication and having basic security settings on our software that we currently use? What if our kids stumble across something and it causes them to stumble? I mean, that can happen by typing anything on google images. No software is going to filter google images. It's just impossible to be completely safe.

I would feel like a horrible parent if I found out we could have done something and didn't but I also feel like a horrible parent if we "spy". Of course, if they know we're doing it then it's not spying. On top of that, though, the software is expensive and still not the perfect solution.

What's a parent to do???

I recently put word out among my facebook friends and asked what they do and what they recommend. The consensus was basically to "do what your gut tells you to do and do all that you can to protect your kids. You'd rather having them mad at you than hooked on porn." I can go for that but we want to maintain a healthy and honest relationship with our kids as well. Our job as parents is to influence and train them to make good choices because one day we will not be around to protect them from everything.

So, we're still not sure what we're going to do longterm. We think for now that we're going to tell our kids that they aren't allowed to delete their history until we've looked at it. That we want access to their history and it better not be cleared or there will be consequences. They know that the demons are out there. Anna, our 10 year old, being a little more naive, will need more firm guidelines. She can only go to sites that we say she can and others will need to be by permission only, like google images. We will put our computers in a walk through area as best we can be more aware of what is on the screen. Our kids have always known that if we walk through and they hit the minimize button, that's no good. And they know we're watching.

So, going with our gut... we just can't afford to be lazy in this area so we'll pay closer attention and have more conversations with our kids about where they're going on the net and go from there.

We're not "buck passers" and we certainly can't "fix the internet"! But we can pay attention. Parenting is a tough business and leaves no room for laziness or complacency in any area but must be balanced with love and trust.

The passenger seat is empty...

The passenger seat is empty... Jakeb got his REAL driver's license today. What a bag of mixed emotions.

Congratulations, Jakeb! God is watching you. :)

Anna's tearin' it up on the court!

Here are some videos and pics from Anna's basketball games this season. This is her 4th year to play Upwards Basketball. She knows what she's doing out there and it's fun to watch her play!

Anna and big sis', Tori.

Anna & big brother, Jakeb

Anna and the team & coach - post game pep talk.



Thanks for coming, Pawpaw!!

This wasn't Anna's shot but it's fun to watch when they play as a team.

REALLY Inspiring Video

Ok, here's another video I ran across and found inspiring enough to share with you. The love a parent has for his/her child is always inspiring to me.

REALLY Funny Video

This is the funniest thing I've seen in a while. Enjoy!

It's All About Tori - Part 5

Here is another thought from Tori's Pawpaw that came in about Tori's life so far.



You hear a lot about "style" but not much about "substance". Tori has handled good times and bad on her way to becoming a fine young woman with a solid balance of both. Character counts. It always will.

PawPaw


I've laughed and I've cried so much over the past few weeks. I'm grateful that there has been a measure of both. Tori's graduation ceremony is tonight. She'll walk to receive her diploma that she has worked so hard for over the last 13 years. She'll be in her cap and gown looking so grown up and beautiful. We'll be proudly watching with friends and family. I'm pretty sure I'll be tearing up alot.

It's All About Tori - Part 3

Things we’ve taught (and didn’t teach) our daughter…

We DID teach her:

To sleep through the night. This was a particularly difficult task at the age of 2 when she thought it was ok to come crawl in bed with her totally exhausted and mostly unaware parents. We had to make up our minds, not hers. (great advice from my wise sister)

To share. Or to take turns which is the politically correct term these days. Also learned at the age of around 2 with her friends Shelbi and Emily. Man that girl could throw a fit! Shelbi and Emily could too for that matter. :)

To love God. We didn’t force her, though. We simply did what we could to guide her towards Him. She accepted Christ at the age of 5. We wholeheartedly believed she understood her decision. I think it’s safe to say that we were right.

To question. To question God and her parents, teachers and others who are teaching her anything . With respect, of course. Also, to question her faith. Periods of doubt will come. Embrace them and figure it out.

Seek wise counsel. That would usually be her parents. Ha! She has done a great job of finding a few, others, besides her parents, that will offer wise advice and encouragement.

To love others. Friends may come and go. Some have stuck pretty strong but friends are still no guarantee. Family is always there so “play nice”! And spend as much time with them as you can.

To love all. God created everyone. Every race. Every color. Every stage of life. Every human that walks the earth. He loves them all and so should she. And she does.

To nurture. She will be such a great mommy someday. I’m not sure if nurturing is taught or if it is inherently wired. But she’s got it. She understands and loves kids and they love her back!

To work hard. We don’t do lazy in this household. She knows how to clean the kitchen and scrub toilets. She knows how to clean her room and can do it at the speed of light.

To get dirty. She can certainly be a girly girl but she also loves to camp, hike, and doesn’t have to take a curling iron and make-up. She will avoid porta-potties if at all possible, though.

To do your best. Perfection is not attainable nor expected. Set the bar high but be realistic. Hopefully those around you will be realistic too.

To know and use your gifts. She has a pretty good handle on who she is and who she was created to bef. She knows her abilities and talents and she is aware of her limitations.

To serve. To serve locally and around the world. The doors for serving and helping others are always open and she’s more than willing to walk through them.

To play hard. She loves to laugh and have fun.

To cuddle. With her mom and dad or little sister on the couch watching a good movie. She’s never too old to do that!

To dream big. Nothing is impossible! Cliché, maybe, but it’s true. Go for it, baby.

We DIDN’T teach her:

How to sleep until noon! Not sure where that came from… She certainly got over that problem she had when she was 2. Maybe we taught her too well?

To fold fitted sheets. I’m pretty sure I’ve failed as a mom here. My mom tried to teach me but I can’t fold those stupid things so I wasn’t even going to begin to try to teach my kids how to. Just roll it up in a ball and stick it in the linen closet. Better yet, just wash it and put it right back on your bed.

To be grumpy in the mornings. That really only happens when she wakes up before noon. I will be warning her future husband and children for sure. No real conversations before 10am or so.

To love healthy food. She would much rather eat Hot Tamales (the candy). Tommy fixed me a wonderful dinner one year for my birthday and she cried through the whole meal. She knows how to eat healthy, so one day, maybe…..

To be adventurous. Well she is adventurous in some ways but she certainly loves the comforts of things she is accustomed to. She can take adventure in small doses. Can I just say, “Hong Kong Mall”???

To clean up puke. She is already telling me that I’m taking care of my grandkids when they get sick.

To make straight A’s and 4.0’s. Maybe it is genetic somehow but she is sooo smart and it seems to come so easy. I know I didn’t or couldn’t have possibly taught her that. Maybe Tommy did when I wasn’t paying attention.

I'm positive there are other thing we have taught her and didn't teach her but all in all, we've done good with this kid!

Tommy’s post yesterday made me cry. I’ve done a lot of that lately and I’m sure there’s plenty more to come. Happy tears because we’ve somehow, by the grace of God and a lot of hard work, done a great job with Tori and she is an amazing human being. Sad tears because things are changing and she’s grown up. She’ll always be my baby girl but it’s time for her to go out and live her life – her way.

But I’ve also done a lot of smiling lately. So many memories as I’ve reminisced through videos and pictures of Tori’s life. If the videos weren't all on ancient vhs format I might post a few. I may still if I have the time to transfer them over to this century's technology. But let me just say that Point of Grace had a big influence in her younger years.

She hasn’t really had a choice before whether she would spend her days with us or not. She now has a choice. I’m pretty confident that she’ll choose us every now and then and I’ll be incredibly thankful for every moment!

It's All About Tori - Part 2

We walked around the Hospital parking lot still trying to decide what we were going to name our first child. We had no idea if it was a boy or a girl so we were throwing around different names again. The contractions got bad enough that Andrea would have to stop occasionally. We went back inside and the nurses announced that we would have a new baby soon. They put Andrea in a hospital gown and we kept doing laps, inside the hospital halls this time rather than outside in the parking lot.

As labor progressed I was fascinated by it all but there were also times that I lost focus. Andrea wanted me to watch the monitor and tell her when the contractions were coming, when they had peaked and when they were over. One time she felt pain coming on and saw I was watching ESPN on TV and she sternly told me, “You’re not watching!”

The end of labor is such a frantic thing. The room is busy with motion of doctors and nurses and the pain of a mother. In no time at all Tori came into the world. There was a moment of silence that seemed to take forever where the world stood still and I watched Tori take her first breath. Then she screamed and all at once I felt a flood of emotion I did not know I was capable of. First I realized what a miracle it is for God to breathe life into a human. Then the doctor handed me this little baby girl and the magnitude of the responsibility of being a dad was real to me for the first time.

As I look at my daughter today I feel another wave of emotion I was not prepared for. The emotion of releasing the arrow and letting the child I have been responsible for be free to be an adult and find her own way in life. I do not doubt that Tori will do well. She is more mature and ready for what is ahead than I was at her age.

I am not the kind of parent who wishes for the past. I like our past but I also like where we are in life as a family and I enjoy watching my kids grow up. Although Tori is not moving out of the house any time in the next couple of days or weeks, when she does set out on her own I will miss being in her orbit everyday.

Tori I am proud of who you have become. I have written that in your birthday cards the last couple of years and I mean it. You are who you are partially because of me but also in spite of me - and that is a good thing.

It's All About Tori

Tori doesn't like it when we tell her that and it's even worse when we start singing the worship song, "It's all about you...", but for the next couple of weeks, if I have the time, my posts will probably be mostly about Tori, in a good way. She has two final exams left in her high school career and she's finished. She will walk and receive her diploma next Thursday. She will also turn 18 in just a few short weeks. I can't believe it!

She has done so well in school and continues to amaze me in her academic acheivements and motivation. She's just a well-rounded kid (excuse me... young woman) with a souped-up brain and it all seems to come so easy for her. She got a lot from me but I know she didn't get her smarts from me. She must have got that from her dad. I was one that "had potential". :)

Tori, your Dad and I could not be more proud of you! You are an incredible young woman who loves God, owns her own faith and are a productive contributor to society. This has been our goal in raising you from the start and we feel we have acheived great success. You are loved beyond what you could ever imagine!

Homeschool Remodel

We've done alot of home remodeling over the past few months and now it is time for a homeschool remodel.

We started homeschooling Jakeb and Anna this school year, 10th and 4th grade respectively, and can I just say that the last semester was quite a challenge for me. Not only do I not know how to teach Chemistry or Algebra 2, we had to deal with a few personality differences 24/7 and a very busy routine for me, especially over the holidays. I knew it would be challenging but didn't expect it to be as challenging as it was. Not knowing what the heck I was doing didn't help any either. Tommy has helped a lot and is extremely supportive. He helps Jakeb with the Chemistry and Algebra and has great discussions with Jakeb over certain History lessons. He also will sit and do spelling words and read to Anna at night. Afterall, this was our decision, not mine, so we're "all in this together". Are you singing? (High School Musical for those of you who don't have a 9 yr old daughter)

When we started, we got a free download of a lesson plan and grade tracking software which is wonderful and did the best we could with ordering the curriculum we thought would work best for each kid. We talked to a few trusted homeschooling parents/friends and they gave us tons of advice and information and then we jumped in.

The daily lesson plans and trying to "go by the rules" was seriously stressing me out but I didn't know how to fix it. Overall, it's been good and I have no regrets but over the holidays, knowing our lives are about to go into warp speed with a pending overseas move and our oldest daughter graduating from high school, I needed to come up with a better system. I can't tell you how much thought I've given to their education because it is such a huge responsiblity. With all of the frustrations and challenges, we've thought and thought and discussed and discussed and even shed a tear or two. We've tried many different things and some things worked and some things didn't. Maybe by the end of this year, I'll have it figured out but somehow I doubt it. I think it will continue to need updating. Remodeling your home is a never ending process, right? So is parenting and everything that comes along with it. You can't keep doing things the same way all of the time. You have to be flexible. For someone who likes consistency, this is difficult.

But, I'm ditching lesson plans and ditching going "by the book" for the most part. Some of my close friends and family reading this are gasping aloud, I'm sure! I followed the rules to a tea and it drove me crazy. We used the same curriculum to teach Tori when we homeschooled her in the 4th grade and since we didn't know any better, we didn't purchase all the lesson plan books. We just went through her books and learned the stuff page by page. She's graduating a semester early and is close to the top 10% of her class and pulling a 4.0 in her college classes simultaneously, so it didn't screw her up any.

We've ordered some new curriculum for Anna's math from the same place that Jakeb's Algebra 2 and Geometry came from. I LOVE IT!!!!! Teaching Textbooks is a wonderful math program for a non-math oriented teacher mom. It was a crazy idea to switch mid-year but again, all the lesson planning was driving me bonkersand I wasn't confident that I was teaching her what she needed to learn. Anna was doing Abeka and it's okay and she did well. So well, in fact, that I gave her placement tests and figured out that she was ready to move on to 5th grade math! This is the kid who didn't know her multiplication tables when we started in August. I guess I'm not that bad of a teacher, huh? Since we're starting a new curriculum, she'll probably go into the summer to finish but she loved it so much yesterday she did two lessons and wanted to do more! Jakeb is finishing up Algebra 2 in a little over one semester and will go into Geometry and finish that up early summer.

I've also restructured the daily lesson plans to weekly so I don't have to get up at 5am every day or stay up late to get ready for the next day. It's ready for the week and it will make the kids have to be more disciplined in working on their own. I'm still up at 5am but I'm not doing lesson plans.

I have a refreshed outlook on our homeschool adventure. I'm sure there will still be challenges but I'm not stressing over lesson plans - today.... They'll still learn the material, and I'm pretty sure they're actually learning more than what they would in public school. Besides that, Anna has gained an enormous amount of confidence in her reading and testing issues and that give us much joy.

I'm excited about this homeschool remodel and it's not near as messy as our bathroom remodel was.

"Don we now our gay apparel. Fa la la la la la la la la"

Ok, I have Anna's permission to tell this story BUT she said only if no one comes up to her and asks her where her gay apparel is or who Don is. Deal? Please honor her in this or she'll never let me tell another one of her funny stories again!

So, my neice, Erin, and my sister, Colleen, are planning/hosting our annual Cousin's Christmas party this year. Erin designed the invitations and we got it, read it, put it on the table for future reference, time, gifts, charity, etc. This was about a week or so ago.

Yesterday, Anna and I are in the kitchen making dog treats (we've been doing that alot lately) and here's the conversation that went down.

Anna: she says with hesitation "Mom, what does g. a. y. spell?" Ok, I take a deep breath and pause for a minute to think about how the best way to respond to this question with 9 yr. old lingo.

Mom: "Well, traditionally, it means cheerful or joyful but today it usually has a much different meaning." (or as my neice, Erin, puts it - Christmas sweaters and merry)

Anna: "Oh, I thought it meant like two guys and two girls." She says with relief in her voice.

Mom: "Well, that's what I meant by today it has a different meaning."

About this time, it occurs to me she is talking about our party invitation - thanks, Erin! :) The light bulbs come on and I now know how to explain. Breakthrough!!

Mom: "But in the Christmas song it just means cheerful or happy. And it's probably not a word you want to use much of, really. Just use the word 'happy' or something like that. Okay?"

Anna: "Okay. Who's Don?"

I could stop here because it's funny enough as it is but there's a little more. We went to look at the invitation so I could make sure she is not confused. I asked her to read the front. Here it is:

Anna: "Don, we now are gay- and I don't know what that last word is."

We both laughed pretty hard.

fa la la la la la la la la.......

I Love My Kids!!!

It seems like just the other day when Tori came into our lives and then just a few days later came Jakeb and then maybe a week or two later came Anna. In only one week, Tommy & I will celebrate our 20th anniversary and it's been almost 18 years since we started this parenting thing. Can we really be that old??? I don't think so. I'm not real sure how this happened. We must have time warped or something.....

Our kids are growing up - quite nicely I might add. I don't think I could be any more proud of them. (Is that correct grammar?)

Anna, being in 4th grade now, went back to her Kindergarten teacher's class last week and read to those precious little5 yr. olds. Could Anna really have been that little just a few years ago? It was so sweet to see her sitting in that big rocking chair reading to them.


Jakeb started his first job last Tuesday at DJ's BBQ. He turned in his application and was hired on the spot. Since we homeschool, he gets to work during the day then he does his school in the afternoon. He got his first paycheck yesterday. Pretty impressive! We are planning his 16th birthday party (it's not till March but we have to start planning now because of what he wants to do). 16 years... man, time flies!

Tori starts at Kohl's tonight for her first "real" job. She goes for orientation and then will start working for real next week. I'm thinking she's going to like her first paycheck too. She and Jakeb are both saving for the next mission trip back to Kenya so the bulk of their paychecks are going in the bank for that. Tori graduates just a few short months from now and is gearing up for a full schedule at our junior college this Spring. She was accepted at UNT and will start there in the fall of '09 as a sophomore.

Major change is in the air for the Stunz family. It's just the way it was designed to be but there will be lots of tender, tearful moments ahead for mom, I'm afraid. I love my kids!!

Girl Stuff - Passport to Purity

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Last week, Anna and I got to go on our first mother/daughter Passport to Purity overnight date. I started this with Tori when she was 9 and the Tommy started it with Jakeb when he was a bit older. Boys are different than girls. I know, you had no clue.....

Anyway, since we hardly ever go by the book on things, we take three years with three well-planned and memorable dates to complete this with each kid. The program says to complete it all in one weekend when they are 11 or 12 but we found that there is information in it that they should know when they are younger, especially the girls as they develop earlier. They look forward to it each year and so do we. Tori and Jakeb have already received their "passport". I am so grateful for this program and cannot praise it enough. It is beneficial on so many levels, education, communication and spending time with each individual child -the list goes on.

Anna and I went to Houston and stayed at a 4 star hotel (thanks Priceline), ate at Cheescake Factory (her favorite in the world!) and shopped at the Galleria until our feet could go no more and we got our ears pierced. The ear piercing was a surprise gift for her. She was surprised and thrilled and then nervous when the Libby Lu lady got that gun out and it became a reality. I joined in the fun and gifted myself with getting my second holes pierced as well. Yes, a 41 year old got her ears pierced at Libby Lu! Funny, huh? So, we have the experience of getting holes punched in our body to share forever!

The pictures are pretty self-explanatory except for the green stuff. That was a project for one of the sessions that started with clean water, talking about her having good friends and then we dumped coffee grounds, dirt, green food coloring (bad friends) to show how they mess things up. We also did another fun puzzle project. The projects are all planned out for you in the program. They say the hard stuff. You just have to plan ahead a little and gather the supplies. It really couldn't be any easier.

It was the start of three years of fun, memorable dates with Anna. We're already ready for next year.